Transformus Gorlus
by lisliasm
Summary: The incantation that began it all. . . Love, hate, rollicking fun, Mary Sues, Severus Snape. . . What could be more exciting? Please R&R! And if you like this, you'll LOVE Oliver!, by the same author (Sirius Black is in it. . .)!
1. disclaimer

Disclaimer: Characters not mine... even the assorted Mary Sues and such are not mine, as they belong to my sister's friends (will they be mad. . .). So sad. Now move on to chapter two!!! 


	2. The real deal

THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN  
  
"Transformus Gorlus."  
The words echoed through Harry's brain in perfect synchronicity with the pulsating ache in his scar. Words spoken by an all-too-familiar voice, the voice that pronounced his parents' death knell, the voice which spoke from the twisted face peeking from the back of Harry's former defense against the dark arts teacher. This was the voice of none other than Harry's mortal enemy, the darkest of all dark wizards. Lord Voldemort himself.  
"Oy, Harry!" This time, the voice which spoke was one more friendly, being the voice of Harry's best friend, Ron Weasley. Harry rolled over under his covers in the Gryffindor dormitory, seeking repose once more, aching to see the gruesome effects that Voldemort's curse could only produce. What if the curse were directed at someone Harry cared about, one of Harry's friends? Opening his eyes, Harry pulled the rough blanket from his face, and saw, blurrily, the face of Ron holding, was that a cup of water? Harry jumped up, groping for his glasses. "Good. You're up. I didn't want to have to use this." Ron said, gesturing at the water glass. Now wearing his glasses, Harry saw his reflection in the mirror above his side table. It was the image of a boy of about twelve, hair tousled from sleep. Then again, Harry never could get his hair to look right. Running his hand over his unkempt head, he noticed his piercing green eyes staring from behind rounded glasses. And right in the middle of his forehead - how could he miss it? - Harry noticed the mark that defined him. He saw the mark he had recieved when Voldemort killed his parents. "Harry! Will you quit admiring yourself?" Ron poked Harry in the ribs sharply. "I have to tell you something!"  
"I have to tell you something, too." Harry thought of his recent dream. What was the curse Voldemort had been using at the moment Ron had awakened him? Transformus Gorlus. What could it mean?  
"You know that weird Slytherin girl?" Ron's question jolted Harry from his serious thoughts.  
"Yeah, Vanessa?" Harry asked idly. "What about her?"  
"She's a parselmouth! I think she fancies me!" Ron began, "I mean, she's always hanging around the Gryffindors even though she's supposed to be Slytherin. And she's always looking in our direction..." Harry drifted into thoughts about his dream. The trees surrounding his nemesis seemed so familar to him, but he could not place it... "And then I saw her on the edge of the forest waving to me this morning.. Just thought you should know... Harry?" Ron had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he had not noticed Harry drifting off until the end of his tirade. "You're not listening are you?"  
"No, I'm. . .I'm listening." Harry said quickly.  
"You're not! You just don't think a girl could like me do you?" Ron was obviously touchy about Harry's inattentiveness. "Especially not as opposed to you."  
"No, Ron! I don't think that!" Harry blushed as he realized that he had been too absorbed in his own thoughts to even consider Ron's ideas. As they walked along, Harry noticed that he and Ron had arrived in the Gryffindor common room. Harry smiled at the sight of his friend Hermione working feverishly on some sort of research. Suddenly she looked up.  
"Oh, there you two are! Let's go, we don't want to be late for breakfast!" Rushing to follow Hermione's suggestion, Harry and Ron followed her to the Great Hall to eat a hurried breakfast before rushing off to Double Triple Quadruple Potions, which would last all day.  
(In case that last sentence didn't clue you in, this story is about to become Incredibly Absurd. Since we are fanfiction writers, which here means that we take J. K. Rowling's characters and basic plotline of her Harry Potter series and hopelessly twist them whichever way we want, we can take J. K. Rowling's characters and basic plotline and hopelessly twist them whichever way we want. Thus, we, as the authors of this Absurd story, can subject our main characters to an entire day of whichever subject we want! *laughs evilly* In this case, having Potions all day serves our purpose, so we plow along. Now that we have spoiled your reading of our lovely story, it is necessary that we press on because more Incredible Absurdity awaits...)  
"Late again, I see, Potter. Ten points from Gryffindor," sneered the slimy Potions master, Proffessor Snape. A round of snickers arose from the Slytherin side of the dark dungeon, and none laughed harder than Harry's second worst enemy, Draco Malfoy. "Well. It seems, Potter, that you are too snobby to sit down. Another ten points from Gryffindor."  
"But that's not fair!" Harry protested.  
". . .Being rude to a teacher? Ten more points from Gryffindor." Harry reluctantly took his seat, with Ron and Hermione on one side, the mysterious Vanessa on the other. Suddenly, a strange-looking Gryffindor girl leaped from her seat and began waving ferociously in Harry's direction. ". . . A secret admirer, Potter? Ten points from Gryffindor." Harry sighed. "Now, to," Snape sighed, ". . .less exciting affairs. Our potion for today is called the Gorlus draught."  
Snape's attention drawn elsewhere, Harry took his opportunity to hiss urgently in Ron's direction. "Who was that strange girl?"  
"You mean the one waving at you like she was having a seizure?"  
"Yeah," Harry answered. Ron shrugged.  
"I think her name's Iris, but that's all I. . ."  
"Social life more important than my lesson, Potter?" It was Snape. "Ten points." Harry did not have to ask whether he was losing or earning points.  
"Way to go," Ron grumbled.  
"Breathing, Potter?" Snape said silkily, "Ten more points." Harry knew better than to object. Snape had always hated him, though Harry could not understand why. How could some crummy rivalry between his father and his Potions master continue to plague him today? Everyone else knew James Potter had been the cream of the crop, so why not Snape? Snape was only partially creamy, Harry thought bitterly. In fact, Snape was not creamy at all. "Don't think I'm creamy, do you Potter?" Snape said as if reading Harry's thoughts, "Well what would you know about it? Ten points from Gryffindor."  
As expected, the rest of the day went just as horribly as it had began. Luckily, the end of Potions presented Harry with a chance to think, once again, about his strange dream. What did it mean?  
"HEY HARRY!" shrieked the crazed Gryffindor from Potions. "I'M IRIS! YOUR LONG LOST TWIN SISTER WHO ALSO SOMEHOW SURVIVED VOLDEMORT'S ATTACK AND YET DID NOT BECOME FAMOUS! SOMEHOW, I ENDED UP AT AN AMERICAN SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY (NAMED PEGASUS ACADEMY) FOR MY FIRST YEAR BUT NOW I'M HERE AT HOGWARTS! ISN'T IT GREAT! NOW WE CAN BE BEST BUDS FOREVER! WAKKA WAKKA DOO DOO YEAH!" Harry shuddered. Who could this obviously overcaffienated girl be? Perhaps an escapee from St. Mungo's hospital for Magical Maladies. Maybe she was the recipient of Voldemort's curse. If so, Harry had better stay clear of old Voldy for a while, as he might be dangerous. "WELL?! CAN WE BE BEST BUDS, HARRY?! PLEASE?!"  
"Yeah, sure," Harry replied reluctantly. It was probably best not to be rude to someone so disturbed. "Just out of curiosity, how did I end up with a 'long lost twin sister,' Iris?" Harry asked, backing away.  
"WELL, I AM A CREATION OF PURE FANFICTION, WHICH HERE MEANS. . ."  
"I know what it means!" Harry said, exasperated.  
"ANYWAY, SINCE MY CREATOR FELT THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE A TWIN SISTER WHO SOMEHOW ENDED UP AT AN AMERICAN SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY (NAMED PEGASUS ACADEMY) AND THEN SUDDENLY CAME TO HOGWARTS, WHO YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT, HERE I AM!" Harry rushed to the dining hall, trying to avoid the girl who he knew would inevitably be. . . "DON'T BE AFRAID OF ME!" Iris shrieked, "I CAN'T BE THE LOVE INTEREST! I'M YOUR SISTER!" Harry wondered at Iris' puzzling remark, but finally escaped to the dining hall.  
"As you know," Hermione was saying when Harry arrived, "this is the second Harry Potter book, entitled Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Why this could not be Hermione Granger and the Chamber of Secrets is beyond me. However, it is in the second book that students at Hogwarts begin to look for the heir of Slytherin."  
"I think it's Snape," Ron said through bites of sheperd's pie.  
"You always think it's Snape," Hermione snapped.  
"Only last year and this," Ron said crossly.  
". . .And every year hereafter!" Hermione corrected him.  
"Hold a tic! How do you know that?" Ron said skeptically.  
"I read the books, moron. You know, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is when Harry discovers his godfather, Sirius Black, who we all think is a dangerous minion of Voldemort until the very end, and his father's other friend, Remus Lupin, who turns out to be a werewolf, but only I will figure it out because of an essay Snape will assign us when acting as a substitute teacher. . ."  
"You are so weird," Ron said. "None of that stuff will ever happen. And Sirius Black is a dangerous minion of Voldemort. He could never escape from Azkaban." Ron shook his head sadly. "You're off your rocker, Hermione. You've finally lost it," he sighed.  
"Excuse me, you two who just about every muggle thinks will hook up presently, but I never notice that you are always arguing together suggestively, may I have a word?" Harry asked politely.  
"You're crazy, too, Harry! I'm surrounded by idiots!" Ron yelled. "And yes, you can talk with us." Harry sat down urgently.  
"Did any of you know that I had a long lost twin sister?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione, not noticing that they were now gazing longingly into each other's eyes. Snapping out of her Ron-induced trance, Hermione answered,  
"Yeah, I read that fanfiction! What a crazy one!" After a dinner of sheperd's pie and chatting about Iris behind her back, Harry realized that he had to go to Quiddich practice. "'Bye, you two lovebirds (did I just say that?)! I have to go," Harry said, and set off for the Quidditch pitch. As he walked off, Harry overheard the last of Hermione and Ron's conversation.  
"I wish I could be on the Gryffindor Quiddich team," Ron sighed.  
"You will be, in fifth year," Hermione answered without a blink.  
"No, really?" Ron asked hopefully.  
"Sure,  
Weasley was born in a bin  
He always lets the Quaffle in  
Weasley will make sure we win  
Weasley is our king." Hermione recited.  
"And I suppose you read all of that in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, in which a crazy Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher sets all kinds of regulations on Hogwarts because Fudge thinks Dumbledore is building an army, and then we all form a secret society to learn Defense Against the Dark Arts called 'Dumbledore's Army,' including Cho Chang, that stupid Ravenclaw third year, who will kiss Harry. After all this, I suppose Harry will witness the untimely death of his newly acquired godfather. . . hmm?"  
"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Hermione said calmly.  
"You and your books," Ron grumbled. "That's what I love about you."  
"I love you, too, Ron, even though we're only twelve," Hermione said longingly.  
Harry shook his head as he exited the Great Hall. Hermione and Ron were such jokers. However, when he reached the pitch, he noticed two strange girls standing around waiting for him, and no sign of Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet. One girl was Iris, and the other was a strange-looking sixth year eyeing Oliver Wood, the Quiddich captain.  
"I don't know who these people are, Harry," Oliver was whispering. "But I think that one likes me. Lots of muggles like me now that my screen counterpart is a skinny shrimp with a really thick accent who looks and acts nothing like me. Still, I like the publicity."  
"Who are you?" Harry asked the girl, who looked strangely like Molly Jane Matthews of Raleigh, North Carolina. "And what happened to Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet?"  
"Oh, it's you, Harry. You're not as cute as Oliver Wood's screen counterpart. I'm Molly Jane, Oliver Wood's soon-to-be girlfriend, and Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell have both mysteriously dissappeared. Since this is a fanfiction, I can be here. I am a perfect example of what is called a Mary Sue, or a character that a fanfiction author inserts into a fanfiction who is strangely like themselves. This is a common phenomenon among young girls who want to go out with book characters, but cannot because the characters are fictional." Molly smiled at Harry cheerfully, obviously unaware of the strangeness of the situation.  
Quiddich practice was just as strange due to the abscence of the chasers Harry had come to know as part of his team. As he went off to bed, he already felt the dream of the night before coming to the surface of his mind.  
"Transformus Gorlus."  
The words echoed through Harry's brain in perfect synchronicity with the pulsating ache in his scar. Words spoken by an all-too-familiar voice, the voice that pronounced his parents' death knell, the voice which spoke from the twisted face peeking from the back of Harry's former defense against the dark arts teacher. This was the voice of none other than Harry's mortal enemy, the darkest of all dark wizards. Lord Voldemort himself.  
This time, however, the dream continued. The twisted face of Harry's worst enemy suddenly transformed into a young girl who was so familiar that Harry wanted to scream out in horror. Vanessa's face appeared on Voldemort's body. So that was why Vanessa could speak Parseltongue when Harry knew that only himself and Voldemort could do so for centuries. That was why she was waving at the edge of the forest!  
"HA!" Harry cried, leaping from bed loudly in the darkness.  
"Shut up, lunatic," said Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas in unison.  
"What is it, Harry? Have you gone dotty?" Ron said, wearing a shade of lipstick that looked very familiar.  
"Does Hermione wear lipstick now?" Harry asked.  
"Apparently," Ron replied, wiping his lips. "Now what is it?"  
"I know who's the heir of Slytherin!" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs.  
"Shouting, Potter?" Echoed a silky voice which seemed to come from the dungeons, "Ten points from Gryffindor."  
"Well who is it?" Ron asked curiously as Seamus and Dean tossed and turned, grumbling into their pillows.  
"Vanessa! Isn't it great that no one thought it was me? I'm a parselmouth too, you know!" Harry said joyfully.  
"Yes they do, it's all in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!" said a female voice that seemed to come from the girls' dormitories.  
"Well, now that we've apprehended her, Voldemort is foiled again and we all know I was wrong. . ." Ron said cheerfully.  
"You're always wrong," said the voice from the girls' dormitories.  
"Wrong again, Potter?" echoed the voice from the dungeons. "Ten points from Gryffindor." And everyone lived Happily Ever After.  
"Not everyone!" shouted the female voice. "What about Cedric Diggory?"  
EPILOGUE  
Harry sighed as he noticed the Great Hall, yet again decorated in green and silver. All of Snape's points deducting (especially considering that Harry had Double Triple Quadruple Potions every day of the week) had reduced the Gryffindors' points to zero. Sitting gloomily at the Gryffindor table were many a long face, all glaring at Harry. Suddenly, Dumbledore stood to make a speech.  
"As we all know, the Gryffindors have zero points in the House Cup competition. Nevertheless, I cannot stand to award the Cup to the Slytherins, especially since I really, really like Harry. Thus, I have decided that, yet again, I will award some last minute points. To Iris, the long lost twin sister, for being incredibly strange and random, I award 100 points. To Hermione Granger, for reading J. K. Rowling's works, I award 150 points. To Ron Weasley, because he's our king, 200 points. And to Harry Potter, for being lucky enough to have a dream that revealed Vanessa's true identity, and foiling Voldemort's plot, and being really, really cool, and just because I like him, 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 points."  
"Wow! We're tied with the Slytherns!" Ron remarked gleefully.  
"But that's not fair!" Snape stood up abruptly.  
"Being rude to a headmaster, Severus?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eye. "Ten points from Slytherin." Cheers from the Gryffindors rang out through the Great Hall. ". . . So I believe that we need a change of decoration yet again." Dumbledore clapped his hands and the Hall was decorated in red and gold. Yet again.  
  
THE END 


End file.
